I can't remember the "puppy stage"...

Emme is 8 months old and weighs 52 pounds! Our vet has reassured us that the "growth" period should end between 8-9 months of age, so we're hopeful that she will NOT be the 100 pound dog we were once thinking!!!

All joking aside, she's a great dog and we love her immensely. She's really turned into a quiet, mellow, loving dog. I just told Logan the other day that I'm so thankful he begged for a Golden Retriever. If not for his relentless begging, I never would have known how much I could love a big, hairy dog (who has totally ruined my beautiful hardwood floors, I might add!). Most of you know, I'm a small dog person and the very thought of a big dog that sheds was enough to turn my stomach. In fact, I told Logan during one of his begging sessions that I'd love for him to get a big dog--When he had his own house and no sooner! Ok, that was a week before we started looking!!!

Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, we've never had a dog so in tune to our human emotion. She just knows how we're feeling and she tries her best to be a part of it, whether I'm crying or laughing, she wants to help out. We're so lucky to have her!!!

There are certain people, including my own husband, who will say, "But isn't she so much work? Think of how peaceful your life would be without dogs" and my response to that is, "It's not what we give her as much as what she give us."

One movie line that comes to mind whenever I think of Emme and her boundless love for us is from "Up" when Doug the dog says, "I don't even know you, but I love you."

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa....

I know it's my first year with this new family, but if you could please bring me a dog bed that actually fits my 50 pound frame (and growing!) because I'm sick and tired of squeezing my big ass into the one that fits the 6 pound dog.

Granted, these new parents of mine have never encountered a big dog before, let alone had one live with them...But GET A CLUE!

It's cold outside and I need a warm, cozy spot to lay my head each night and while this little bed suffices for the head...I'd prefer if my whole body fit on it.

I don't mean to complain and I'm thankful that everyone seems to adore me, including the grumpy guy who apparently didn't want me to begin with....He's come around nicely especially given that my mom didn't regard the fact that he's allergic to me. And I don't fully understand "human" yet but I'm pretty sure I heard Mom say he was lying about that...Anyways, I'm happy for the family, the kids who smother me in kisses and hugs, and the parents who seem to really enjoy my quiet side. If you could just provide the bed, I'm good...

Confessions of an Imperfect Mother....

I yell too much, too loudly, too often

I don't treasure each moment I have with my children...I don't live in the moment.

There are times, sometimes days on end, when I can't wait for them to grow up and leave the nest.

Some nights, I lay in bed sobbing over the woman I've lost since becoming a wife and mother. I grieve for her....I miss her.

I wonder how people can live without regret when I have so many things I wish I could go back and do differently.

I realize now that my life was never my own. I went from one home to another without any stops in between. I never allowed myself the opportunity to fulfill my own selfish wants and dreams. Everything I've done has been for everyone else.

Does anyone else question their abilities to be a mother as much as I do? I thought it would be an innate skill...Something that came naturally. After all, I loved playing with dolls when I was growing up. I have a "nurturing" gene, right? Turns out, my skills end with infancy. My tool box is empty when it comes to 3-year-old temper tantrums and 9-year-old panic attacks.

I often use meditation as a form of a prayer session. I learned how to meditate about 11 years ago, while reading "Talking to Heaven". Since then, I have taken different classes, including Yoga, to fine tune my skill. I've also read "Broken Open" and "Eat, Pray, Love" which helped me to learn different methods and various states of mind to become closer to the Divine. I'm still shocked that someone like me is able to reach depths of subconsciousness when normally I can't turn my mind off and my physical being must always be in motion.

On this particular morning, we are struggling with Logan again. He's not sleeping, his panic attacks are causing a major disruption within our entire family. We're stressed and sad beyond belief. All of us are in a very dark place. Emily woke me up early this morning to go outside. So, I found myself with some quiet time before the kids arose. I decided to take this opportunity and try to meditate/pray.

I always start each session with a question in mind that I throw out to the "universe" and I wait for a response. I believe that if I become quiet enough, still enough, I can hear God talking. Of course, it comes to me in my own voice...But I believe I'm merely a vessel.

So, this morning my question was "What changes can I make to help Logan?" I've realized that I can provide all the help necessary. I can go to the end of the Earth and take Logan to every therapist that offers hope, I can visit every traditional and alternative doctor, I can force acupuncture on him, I can medicate him, I can spend time with him, I can love him with my entire being. I can love him more than my own life and it still won't be enough if he's not willing to put forth the effort to heal. In other words, I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink.

This being said, my question was different today because there is nothing I can do to change Logan. I can only change myself and my response. I heard a quote the other day which I've been applying to our situation: "There is no such thing as a stressful situation, only stressful responses". So, "what can I do?"

The answer wasn't one I was expecting. I heard, "Accept your part in this, work to change the part you've contributed, and pray for healing" I've been resentful of the place Logan has put us in and so I responded with, "What can I do to improve my relationship with Logan?" The answer I heard was "Reflect...Reflect back to the moment you found out you were pregnant with him. Reflect back to the moment you first saw him. Do you remember how your heart swelled with love and gratitude? Do you remember how vehemently you wanted to protect him? Do you recall how promising his future was? Do you remember the vows you made to him that day? You vowed to be the best you could be and you'd be different and you'd dedicate your life to him. Go back to that place in time and remember he's still that infant you first saw. He's still that piece of you and Brad that you ADORE...."

That is all I needed to hear. The truth...The brutal honesty lies within the truth. I love that little boy with all my heart. I will not give up. I will remember the vows and promises I made to him. We will get through this...Of this, I am certain.

I couldn't help but share...

I decided to take a picture of Logan and his Golden Retriever, Emily, every month during Emily's first year. I'm hoping to capture the changes and growth in both of them over the course of the following few months.

This photo was taken on Sept 5, 2009:



This next picture was taken yesterday (a mere 4 weeks later). Can you believe the growth in a few short weeks? I was astonished!!! I can't seem to stop giggling over it. I mean, seriously, what have I gotten myself into here??? She's now almost 5 months old and 30 pounds.

We hit the 6 week mark....

As many of you know, I am NOT a big dog person. I've always preferred a small lap dog to a big, exuberant dog with boundless energy. I have always been highly intimidated by their size and my ability to control them. I don't want BIG dog problems: Counter-surfing, pulling on the leash, jumping on people, big dog droppings, etc. That being said, I must admit that Emme has completely and fully grown on me. Ok, more than grown on me; I am IN LOVE with her! She's playful, but loving. She's big, but gentle. There's this calm energy surrounding her and she seems to bring peace to our household. And, boy, could we use some "peace" around here these days!!!

So, we've reached the 6 week mark since we brought Emme home. She's a little over 4 months old, roughly 20 pounds. Lots of hurdles have been overcome and lots of accomplishments have been made in the past month since my last posting.

I'm happy to report that she's fully house trained. That probably happened within 2-3 weeks of consistent training. I wouldn't say that I fully trust her, but I'm not keeping a watchful eye every second either.

The crate is a huge success. She even prefers to go in there, all on her own, around 8:30 every night. She does still sleep with Logan for about half the night, then I bring her down in her crate for the remaining hours. Otherwise, she'd stir when Brad got up and need to go outside.

We've also started some obedience training. I'm shocked and amazed with how easy she is to train. Thus far, we're working on jumping on people and the kids. She's good about 80% of the time. Logan really hinders my training process as he thinks it's GREAT when she tackles him each morning and when he comes home off the bus each afternoon. I cringe each time!!! We've also completely stopped her bolting out the door. She sits and waits for my "ok"...I've also been trying to get her calm and submissive prior to opening the door. That is still a work in progress...! Neighbors, don't be surprised if I call and ask you to ring the doorbell as a part of desensitizing her to new people. She also successfully walks without pulling on the leash. And as much as all of these things are good, she does have an energy level that we much drain daily. She is a true hunting dog in the sense that she loves running through the tall grasses in the fields behind us. Now, if I could only lighten up enough to let her run off leash. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to dogs off leash...I was traumatized as a child by watching my dog get run over by a car. Call me controlling (it won't be the first time) but I can't seem to let her go off on her own: Way too fearful!!!

I thought I'd end this posting with a sweet dog story. If you know me well, you've already heard it, but I can't help but share it. We are in the midst of struggling with Logan again. His anxiety has resurfaced with the start of school and we are having a really hard time as a family unit dealing with it appropriately. On one such challenging afternoon, after a 2-hour meltdown all of us were left physically and emotionally drained. I've been walking both dogs each night and while Brad is supportive in every way, he told me upfront that if I were to get another dog, it was totally and completely Logan and my responsibility. He didn't want another dog, hence, he wasn't helping with another dog. I've always respected this and never expected anything from him. On this particular night, I had planned to walk the dogs, but after Logan's episode, I just didn't have the energy. So, Brad says to me, "Do you want me to walk her (meaning Emme)." And I know this isn't much to most of you and you probably don't see the justification in my tears, but I just looked at him and started sobbing...For many reasons, but mainly because he saw a). How important the dogs are to me and b). He cared enough about me to give me the "night off" per say. I went to him and broke down in his arms. Not just merely crying, I was SOBBING!!! Brad tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Look behind you"...I saw Emme just sitting behind me, staring up at us. Through my sobs and tears, I said to Brad, "You may not like her, but she's the most loving dog ever." Almost as if on queue, she came over and rested her head against my knee.

While we got the dog for Logan, to help soothe him and pull him through his darkest moments, Emme has been just as therapeutic for me and I love her with my whole heart...

2 Weeks....

It's officially been two weeks since we added Emily to the mix. Many things have progressed forward in these two weeks. For example, her new nickname is now "Emme" but none of us feel like she knows her name yet. Secondly, Logan wanted to re-name her "Cabela" after his favorite store, but we were worried it was too long of calling her "Emme" and we didn't want to confuse her. Not sure it would really matter at this point in the process. She doesn't seem to come to anything she's called!!!

The crate is totally a success! It took a good week of just enduring the crying and now she's content. The minute she's place inside, she lays down and sleeps.

The potty training is also getting better, but we take her for at least 2 (sometimes 3 walks per day). The only problem area we're experiencing is at night when she sleeps with Logan. He sleeps hard enough not to hear her should she jump off the bed and relieve herself in his room. Other than that, she's is making an effort to find the door and stand there although it's not too consistent and there's no way I fully trust her at this point. However, no accidents in a couple of days.

It's also important to note that I'm getting NOTHING done!!! All I've done is watch the dogs, feed the dogs, walk the dogs. Laundry is piling up, bathrooms are starting to get gross, and garbage cans are overflowing. I'm just hoping that my attentiveness pays off soon.

Oh and did I mention that she's getting BIG fast?!?! OH MY...I can't believe how quickly she's growing. Maybe it's because my only frame of reference is dogs who weigh 7 pounds fully grown, but MAN...I don't think she's going to small like her mother was, which is what I was hoping for--She just may take after her father in that regard.

That being said though, we have been calling her our "gentle giant"...She's so very sweet, mellow, and loving. She seems to know her strength and is so careful around other dogs (especially those smaller than her) and the kids. She LOVES the kids--even those that do not belong to her family. I can hardly get her out of yards that have kids in them. She's truly a companion dog and we're really loving her.

This is harder than I remember...And it's getting OLD

I don't know exactly what it is, but this pup is much harder than I remember ANY of the others being. She's great with the kids, she's calm and mellow, and very easy to train. In fact, just a couple of times did I have to give the "down" command and she's got it, but she cannot SLEEP. I don't know what the problem is, but I'm wearing myself pretty thin these days--not to mention she's keeping the kids and hubby up as well. Because she's been so restless at night and keeping Logan up, I decided to put her crate in Logan's room to see if it kept her need to go outside 3x per night at bay. No such luck. In fact, it was worse than ever!!! She went down at 9 PM and by 11 PM, I was woke up to a barking, howling puppy. This continued for the rest of night. I let her out a total of 3x and finally just let her sleep with me, but she was restless and whiny all night long. Ugh! This is getting OLD!!!