Confessions of an Imperfect Mother....

I yell too much, too loudly, too often

I don't treasure each moment I have with my children...I don't live in the moment.

There are times, sometimes days on end, when I can't wait for them to grow up and leave the nest.

Some nights, I lay in bed sobbing over the woman I've lost since becoming a wife and mother. I grieve for her....I miss her.

I wonder how people can live without regret when I have so many things I wish I could go back and do differently.

I realize now that my life was never my own. I went from one home to another without any stops in between. I never allowed myself the opportunity to fulfill my own selfish wants and dreams. Everything I've done has been for everyone else.

Does anyone else question their abilities to be a mother as much as I do? I thought it would be an innate skill...Something that came naturally. After all, I loved playing with dolls when I was growing up. I have a "nurturing" gene, right? Turns out, my skills end with infancy. My tool box is empty when it comes to 3-year-old temper tantrums and 9-year-old panic attacks.

I often use meditation as a form of a prayer session. I learned how to meditate about 11 years ago, while reading "Talking to Heaven". Since then, I have taken different classes, including Yoga, to fine tune my skill. I've also read "Broken Open" and "Eat, Pray, Love" which helped me to learn different methods and various states of mind to become closer to the Divine. I'm still shocked that someone like me is able to reach depths of subconsciousness when normally I can't turn my mind off and my physical being must always be in motion.

On this particular morning, we are struggling with Logan again. He's not sleeping, his panic attacks are causing a major disruption within our entire family. We're stressed and sad beyond belief. All of us are in a very dark place. Emily woke me up early this morning to go outside. So, I found myself with some quiet time before the kids arose. I decided to take this opportunity and try to meditate/pray.

I always start each session with a question in mind that I throw out to the "universe" and I wait for a response. I believe that if I become quiet enough, still enough, I can hear God talking. Of course, it comes to me in my own voice...But I believe I'm merely a vessel.

So, this morning my question was "What changes can I make to help Logan?" I've realized that I can provide all the help necessary. I can go to the end of the Earth and take Logan to every therapist that offers hope, I can visit every traditional and alternative doctor, I can force acupuncture on him, I can medicate him, I can spend time with him, I can love him with my entire being. I can love him more than my own life and it still won't be enough if he's not willing to put forth the effort to heal. In other words, I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink.

This being said, my question was different today because there is nothing I can do to change Logan. I can only change myself and my response. I heard a quote the other day which I've been applying to our situation: "There is no such thing as a stressful situation, only stressful responses". So, "what can I do?"

The answer wasn't one I was expecting. I heard, "Accept your part in this, work to change the part you've contributed, and pray for healing" I've been resentful of the place Logan has put us in and so I responded with, "What can I do to improve my relationship with Logan?" The answer I heard was "Reflect...Reflect back to the moment you found out you were pregnant with him. Reflect back to the moment you first saw him. Do you remember how your heart swelled with love and gratitude? Do you remember how vehemently you wanted to protect him? Do you recall how promising his future was? Do you remember the vows you made to him that day? You vowed to be the best you could be and you'd be different and you'd dedicate your life to him. Go back to that place in time and remember he's still that infant you first saw. He's still that piece of you and Brad that you ADORE...."

That is all I needed to hear. The truth...The brutal honesty lies within the truth. I love that little boy with all my heart. I will not give up. I will remember the vows and promises I made to him. We will get through this...Of this, I am certain.