No New is Good News, Right?

Whew! I can't believe it's been MONTHS since I've updated the blog. I guess it's because life has been marching on without much pomp nor circumstance. Life, overall, is good.

We're having a great summer! The weather has been fabulous and we've been enjoying the break from the routines of the school year. We've been busy, but yet looking back at our activities, I'd say we've also been lazy. It's a good mix.

Despite my many cries to the Universe, time has not stood still and Logan did turn 10! While I was anticipating many tears (my own, of course),I realized the anticipation of the date was worse than the actual day. It came and went and we had a great time celebrating with family. It's official...He's in the double digits! And I know I'm biased, but can I say that he has really matured this past year and turned into a wonderful young man. I love his spirit, his spunk, his compassion, his "out-of-the-box" sense of humor, and his sensitive nature. He's still my "old soul" and while I still have my hesitations regarding his future and those dreaded teen years, I am enjoying the moment and I'm hopeful that when the time comes, he'll remember everything we've taught him (Ok, maybe "everything" is a stretch, but I hope at least for the important things!). As much as I'd like to protect him from all harm as he gets older and gains more independence, I realize it's also a right of passage that I can't deny him. How I'm feeling reminds me of a part in "Nemo" when Marlin says to Dori, "But I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him." And she responds with, "Well, that's a funny thing to promise because if you never let anything happen to him, nothing will ever happen to him." So true!

We're also anticipating a trip to Disney World soon. The kids are both excited to experience their first plane ride. And Brad has stated that while he's excited for the actual destination, he's more thrilled for the journey. God bless him! I don't know what I'd do without his stable anchor. He just grounds me and puts everything into perspective. And I say this because I'm dreading the traveling, but can't wait to get there. So, to see things from his side is always refreshing! We'll keep you posted on how that goes!!!

Life isn't perfect, but it's so, so good!

"The Gift of an Ordinary Life"

If you read my last posting, you already know how hard I'm taking the fact that kids grow up--Way faster than I ever thought possible.

Well, a good friend of mine turned me onto this next book. And this author sums up my feelings a lot more eloquently than I ever could. So, check out this video and have the kleenex ready. I've watched it at least a hundred times and find myself sobbing each time...Enjoy!

"The Last Lecture" by Randy Paush

One of my favorite quotes from his book:

“Time is all you have...and you may find one day that you have less than you think”.

For some reason, it hit me hard this weekend that Logan is going to be 10 years old in a few short months. How did this happen? Where did the last 10 years go? I can still recall his first scream (which lasted for hours!) and my primal, fierce need to protect him.

While I love both my children immensely, there is something about your first born....You learn together and experience all those 'firsts' with brand new eyes, ears, and hearts. You make all your mistakes on them, you shelter them from every germ, every stranger, every bad commercial. You lay awake at night, worried about their development, their future, their friends.

Your first-born transcends you from wife to mother. I'll never forget something Logan said to me when he was 3-years-old from the back seat of our car, "Mom, why did Grammy name you "Stacey"?" I respond with, "I guess because she liked the name." And Logan says, "Grammy named you 'Stacey' but I named you 'Mom'" And there was so much truth to this statement that even I didn't realize at the time. This is probably why we've always referred to Logan as our "old soul"....He's always been so wise beyond his years, so compassionate and thoughtful. I appreciate his kind and loving nature more and more each day.

It just felt like we had forever and I'm realizing now that all the time I thought I had is running out...He's becoming more and more independent. I can no longer bring a clean set of clothes in the bathroom while he's showering. I can't surprise him with McDonald's for lunch at school. He doesn't want to read "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" any longer because it's for babies (even though I'm 33 and thoroughly still enjoy reading a good "Pigeon" classic!). These are all changes that are meant to take place. It's the natural order of life, but what I didn't expect was to take it so hard. I didn't think I'd feel unwanted as much as I do.

I want to scream out to the universe at large, "Wait! Stop the clock! I'm not ready. I still have so much to teach him. I just need a little more time."

So, today (amidst the Monday Blues) wrap your arms around your child and realize each moment is a blessing and the greatest gift you can give your children is your TIME!

I can't remember the "puppy stage"...

Emme is 8 months old and weighs 52 pounds! Our vet has reassured us that the "growth" period should end between 8-9 months of age, so we're hopeful that she will NOT be the 100 pound dog we were once thinking!!!

All joking aside, she's a great dog and we love her immensely. She's really turned into a quiet, mellow, loving dog. I just told Logan the other day that I'm so thankful he begged for a Golden Retriever. If not for his relentless begging, I never would have known how much I could love a big, hairy dog (who has totally ruined my beautiful hardwood floors, I might add!). Most of you know, I'm a small dog person and the very thought of a big dog that sheds was enough to turn my stomach. In fact, I told Logan during one of his begging sessions that I'd love for him to get a big dog--When he had his own house and no sooner! Ok, that was a week before we started looking!!!

Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, we've never had a dog so in tune to our human emotion. She just knows how we're feeling and she tries her best to be a part of it, whether I'm crying or laughing, she wants to help out. We're so lucky to have her!!!

There are certain people, including my own husband, who will say, "But isn't she so much work? Think of how peaceful your life would be without dogs" and my response to that is, "It's not what we give her as much as what she give us."

One movie line that comes to mind whenever I think of Emme and her boundless love for us is from "Up" when Doug the dog says, "I don't even know you, but I love you."

Dear Santa....

Dear Santa....

I know it's my first year with this new family, but if you could please bring me a dog bed that actually fits my 50 pound frame (and growing!) because I'm sick and tired of squeezing my big ass into the one that fits the 6 pound dog.

Granted, these new parents of mine have never encountered a big dog before, let alone had one live with them...But GET A CLUE!

It's cold outside and I need a warm, cozy spot to lay my head each night and while this little bed suffices for the head...I'd prefer if my whole body fit on it.

I don't mean to complain and I'm thankful that everyone seems to adore me, including the grumpy guy who apparently didn't want me to begin with....He's come around nicely especially given that my mom didn't regard the fact that he's allergic to me. And I don't fully understand "human" yet but I'm pretty sure I heard Mom say he was lying about that...Anyways, I'm happy for the family, the kids who smother me in kisses and hugs, and the parents who seem to really enjoy my quiet side. If you could just provide the bed, I'm good...

Confessions of an Imperfect Mother....

I yell too much, too loudly, too often

I don't treasure each moment I have with my children...I don't live in the moment.

There are times, sometimes days on end, when I can't wait for them to grow up and leave the nest.

Some nights, I lay in bed sobbing over the woman I've lost since becoming a wife and mother. I grieve for her....I miss her.

I wonder how people can live without regret when I have so many things I wish I could go back and do differently.

I realize now that my life was never my own. I went from one home to another without any stops in between. I never allowed myself the opportunity to fulfill my own selfish wants and dreams. Everything I've done has been for everyone else.

Does anyone else question their abilities to be a mother as much as I do? I thought it would be an innate skill...Something that came naturally. After all, I loved playing with dolls when I was growing up. I have a "nurturing" gene, right? Turns out, my skills end with infancy. My tool box is empty when it comes to 3-year-old temper tantrums and 9-year-old panic attacks.

I often use meditation as a form of a prayer session. I learned how to meditate about 11 years ago, while reading "Talking to Heaven". Since then, I have taken different classes, including Yoga, to fine tune my skill. I've also read "Broken Open" and "Eat, Pray, Love" which helped me to learn different methods and various states of mind to become closer to the Divine. I'm still shocked that someone like me is able to reach depths of subconsciousness when normally I can't turn my mind off and my physical being must always be in motion.

On this particular morning, we are struggling with Logan again. He's not sleeping, his panic attacks are causing a major disruption within our entire family. We're stressed and sad beyond belief. All of us are in a very dark place. Emily woke me up early this morning to go outside. So, I found myself with some quiet time before the kids arose. I decided to take this opportunity and try to meditate/pray.

I always start each session with a question in mind that I throw out to the "universe" and I wait for a response. I believe that if I become quiet enough, still enough, I can hear God talking. Of course, it comes to me in my own voice...But I believe I'm merely a vessel.

So, this morning my question was "What changes can I make to help Logan?" I've realized that I can provide all the help necessary. I can go to the end of the Earth and take Logan to every therapist that offers hope, I can visit every traditional and alternative doctor, I can force acupuncture on him, I can medicate him, I can spend time with him, I can love him with my entire being. I can love him more than my own life and it still won't be enough if he's not willing to put forth the effort to heal. In other words, I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink.

This being said, my question was different today because there is nothing I can do to change Logan. I can only change myself and my response. I heard a quote the other day which I've been applying to our situation: "There is no such thing as a stressful situation, only stressful responses". So, "what can I do?"

The answer wasn't one I was expecting. I heard, "Accept your part in this, work to change the part you've contributed, and pray for healing" I've been resentful of the place Logan has put us in and so I responded with, "What can I do to improve my relationship with Logan?" The answer I heard was "Reflect...Reflect back to the moment you found out you were pregnant with him. Reflect back to the moment you first saw him. Do you remember how your heart swelled with love and gratitude? Do you remember how vehemently you wanted to protect him? Do you recall how promising his future was? Do you remember the vows you made to him that day? You vowed to be the best you could be and you'd be different and you'd dedicate your life to him. Go back to that place in time and remember he's still that infant you first saw. He's still that piece of you and Brad that you ADORE...."

That is all I needed to hear. The truth...The brutal honesty lies within the truth. I love that little boy with all my heart. I will not give up. I will remember the vows and promises I made to him. We will get through this...Of this, I am certain.

I couldn't help but share...

I decided to take a picture of Logan and his Golden Retriever, Emily, every month during Emily's first year. I'm hoping to capture the changes and growth in both of them over the course of the following few months.

This photo was taken on Sept 5, 2009:



This next picture was taken yesterday (a mere 4 weeks later). Can you believe the growth in a few short weeks? I was astonished!!! I can't seem to stop giggling over it. I mean, seriously, what have I gotten myself into here??? She's now almost 5 months old and 30 pounds.