Love and Logic

Most of my parenting woes begin with the words, "How can I do this better?" Many times, it keeps me up at night, wondering if there's some secret code I'm missing.

But tonight...On this day...I got it right! And I mean, I really, really nailed it. And it wasn't one of those "tough love" moments which leaves both of us feeling rotten, even if it is for the greater good of the person we're raising. It was a moment, just one line, actually, which ended an argument with our oldest child.

To him, we're the strictest parents. It's a common argument in the Garry Household. If we're not trying to ruin his life, we're holding him hostage by our rules. Normally, we would enter this conversation, once again, reiterating our moral and value system...things he HAS to have memorized by now. To be honest, I'm sick of hearing myself say it anymore.

But on this night...I saw the warning signs...I knew where his foul mood was going...And I nipped it in the bud! It started off like it normally does..."Why can't I have that video game? Everyone has it. I'm not a baby, you know. Let me lead my own life!" (I particularly like this statement coming from my 11 year old. I find it hilarious! And maybe myself reflected in his eyes).

And honestly, I saw it differently this time. I don't know what it was...maybe divine intervention...but I was truly empathetic. It didn't change my value system, but I did see it from his point of view...And this isn't even the most amazing part yet...

I said in response, looking him in the eye, holding his hand, "I'm sure it feels that way to you. I can totally see how it would feel that way."

I think his mouth may have dropped open. He was speechless. He loves to garner a reaction out of his mother. In fact, nothing pleases him more, I'm certain. And even though he invited me to partake in his argument, I didn't accept!

However, i have to give credit where credit is due. We're using some techniques from "Love and Logic" and it has worked wonders with our kids. It can be applied at any age (and I think the younger, the better) and it has dramatically improved our relationship with Logan for many reasons, but mainly because I've realized as his parent that he is responsible for his own behavior. And while I can give him all the tools and skill set needed, it's still up to him to choose the behavior. But most importantly, I've realized that even if he does fail and make mistakes, which he will inevitably do, I will still love him. We let logical consequences take place and it has let me off the hook per say. It's not my job to make sure homework is done or he passes 5th grade or gets into college. It's up to him.

I've realized I can be his parent again. And I can love him for him.