Today, I was asked the question, "What kind of myths did you have about "The Perfect Mother" before you actually became a mother?" Oh wow! This is a loaded question...where do I begin?
For starters, I was a much better mother before I actually became one. Does that even make sense? I was pretty certain I had it all figured out. And for those of you leaving full shopping carts in the middle of an aisle to take a screaming toddler to the car? Well, you obviously have it all wrong and that was NEVER going to happen to me! Ha!!! Then my own children were born....And with them came their own personalities, their own joys and challenges, their own rewards and disappointments, their own temperaments. And no matter how much "nurture" you bestow upon them, they still have their own unique "nature" running through their veins, which can either work for or against you at times.
MYTH #1: The Perfect Mother Stays Home
When I was in 5th grade, we had just moved to a new city for a job transfer. This new job (actually business ownership) meant my parents were both working long hours, which was an adjustment from the old schedule I was used to, so I had more "alone" time than I did previously. I remember walking home from school during the first week of Fall with a new friend. I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house and play. She said, "Well, I have to go home and ask my mom first." I remember this pang of jealously. I've never forgotten it. I was envious that she had a mother home while I was left digging in the bottom of my backpack for my house key. She came home to somebody, I came home to an empty house. And as any dreamy 5th grader, I envisioned her mom in an apron, baking cookies, glass of milk on the table, eagerly awaiting her daughter's arrival home from school. Now, I highly doubt any of the above happened, but I believed she was FAR luckier than I was and the grass was definitely greener! So, since 5th grade, "the perfect mother" stayed home with her kids. She didn't work.
For the past 11 years (the duration of my "motherhood"), I have bounced back and forth between working and staying home. No matter what position I've held at the time, stay-at-home mom or career woman, I've always felt a sense of guilt that I wasn't doing something right, fully, completely, or correctly. If I was here, I wasn't there. If I was home, I wasn't contributing to the family budget. If I'm working, I'm not fulfilling anything 100%...Everything and everyone is only getting partial attention. And while I'm so thankful staying home is a choice I have (but like I've said in many, many previous posts, it's not one that doesn't come without some serious sacrifice, both emotionally and financially), I've realized that this chapter in our life is so short. There are times (ok, maybe most of the time) where it feels like we'll never sleep again, we'll never stop buying diapers, we'll never be able to pick and go without taking everything but the kitchen sink, we'll never get another date-night, the house will never stay clean for more than an hour....But time does march on, and sooner rather than later, the house will become eerily quiet and it will stay clean and no one will need me on the same level they once did. So, while I do not believe one must refrain from working to be the perfect mother, I have realized that I don't want to miss one bit of this time we have together. I have my whole life to work, I have my whole life to clean my house, I only have a short time to cuddle kids and hold babies and kiss boo-boos and wipe tears and blow kisses. There are times where this feels endless and mundane and I often wonder, "Does it even matter to them?" and the answer to this question is, "Maybe it won't matter to them. But it matters to me."
