Is It Worth It?

There are things I really love about my 12 year old boy. Today, I had one of those moments.  And if you're the parent of a pre-teen yourself, you know that when you have one of those moments, you must write it down.

Logan: "Mom, what is the hardest job you've ever had?" 

Me: "Why raising the three of you"...is my answer.

Logan: "Do you think it's worth it?"

Me: "We all hope it is. This is why we invest so much in each of you...In hopes of the reward being greater than the sacrifice."

Logan: "What reward would make it worth it to you?"

Me: "If you grew up to be happy. If you are, overall, a good person."

Logan: "Yeah, this is why I'm NEVER having kids!"

Good grief! I guess I didn't get my point across very effectively!!!

Cell Phones

Brad and I have just entered the 21st century, which means we broke down and bought smart phones (and a Data Plan...super exciting stuff going on over here...). I don't know what took us so long, especially given the fact that my hubby is a "techie"....But I guess...while he may be a "techie", he also a "cheapie"....So, it really just came down to numbers for us (which would explain why the dish subscription is being cancelled along with our landline).

Speaking of landlines, we have a 12 YO in the house these days. A boy on the cusp of those awkward, I-just-want-to-fit-in middle school years. And this child of ours believes wholeheartedly he needs a phone...It has gone beyond "want" and it's now a "need"....We are mean parents who don't believe a child, especially one without a valid driver's license, needs a phone. We often tell Logan to "sell" us his theory. We always have a rebuttal in our back pocket. However, there has been a string of late night or naptime phone calls from quite a few 6th grade girls (and I don't know what it is about these girls, but I'm pretty certain we should vote them into office because they are strong-willed, confident people who do NOT give up easily nor without a fight!) and I have gotten pretty angry over it. Logan's argument is, "Well, if I had my own phone, you (or Leyton) wouldn't be disturbed by all their phone calls." True...And after a full week of summer vacation, his theory is looking more and more tempting....

Motherhood

If there is one question I hear over and over again, it's "Why the age gap?"...My kids are spread pretty far apart. Logan is almost 12, London is almost 6, and Leyton is 1. This was not intentional. It just sort of happened this way. Logan, or our "pleasant surprise" as I call him, came at a very tumultuous time in our life. We had just lost a very dear family member. I had never seen my immediate family falling apart at the seams like they did during this crisis. My mom was deeply sad and emotional. My brother was struggling with the death of his "best friend". I was traveling back and forth between two different states to help the healing process, to be a means of support for my family.  During one of these trips, I forgot to pack my pills. And did you know you truly only need to forget a couple of them to become pregnant? Well, I have a daily reminder of it! Little did I know, Logan's arrival did prove to be the ultimate healing agent for my parents. And I know that everything happens for a reason and I thank God every day for him. He's truly a blessing. A pleasant surprise. And just to clear up one more burning question, I was 24 when he was born and had a college degree, a mortgage and car payments. I was very much an adult....

So, we really thought we were "Fertile Valley"....Then we attempted to get a pregnant a second time. It was on Logan's 2nd birthday that we decided to try for Baby #2. Really, this shouldn't take long, right? After all, I got pregnant while I was on the pill with Logan. It was a painful year of nothing. Each month, we were reminded again that our efforts were futile. We did try some fertility drugs for a few months, but nothing seemed to change. I was in a dark place. I needed a diversion...BADLY! I went back to work full-time, I bought a super small BMW that only 1 kid fit into. I bought a puppy. I was determined to make other plans. If life was going to throw me lemons, I was going to make lemonade. It was a big 'ol Pity Party for Stacey...Then I received news of a friend of mine, someone whom I had lost touch with, she, too, had been trying to have a baby. They couldn't conceive at all. Were trying to adopt, only to have their hearts broken over and over again. Birth mothers revoking parental rights, taking babies back. Babies they thought had made their own dreams come true. Their story stopped me dead in my tracks...I will never forget it for as long as I live...Logan was playing with Matchbox cars in front of me. It hit me...Wow, I'm so blessed. Even if all I ever have is him, I'm the luckiest girl in the world. This pity party is over. This was October of 2005. This was a moment of peace. I finally felt my heart accepting what my mind had been trying to tell it for years! The very next month, I was pregnant with London. She's our miracle and she was SO worth the wait. It took 4 years of trying, but if the end result is her, I'd do it all over again...every.single.bit.of.it! 

Then, there's Leyton....Oh my! Nothing like starting over! I had always felt like 3 was my magic number, Brad did not. Brad felt like we were biologically complete with our boy and our girl. I tried for a year or two to convince him otherwise, but he was standing pretty strong. I remember on London's 3rd birthday (Does everyone feel the need to expand their brood with each passing birthday?), I asked Brad (or maybe told him), "It's now or never! I don't want another six years to pass!" And still, he said, "Nope, I'm good." Then London was fully potty trained and we were out of diapers, formula, and bottles. Something clicked in me. I could see the light at the end of tunnel. I felt good about our family. We were complete. On Mother's Day of 2010, Brad told me how he felt a certain longing to having another. I was shocked and in a totally different place. I wan't quite ready to start over again, but the thought of one more was somewhat appealing. So, we agreed to try for six months. If nothing happened, we'd go back to how things were. It wasn't meant to be and I didn't want to fall back to that dark place of infertility again. Lo and behold...It took one month. So, he's meant to be here. We're happy to have this silly, demanding child throwing a wrench in our oh so perfect life. He's rockin' our world, Leyton-style! 

Part of the reason for this post is that I have a lot of friends who are struggling with motherhood, in one way or another...And I just want to remind them to NEVER give up, EVER! These kids are worth every cent, every struggle, every tear. A friend of mine (You know who you are) brought me back to reality a couple of weeks back. I was telling her how much "Trouble" Leyton is and she said, "But Stacey, he's worth every single bit of it" and she's right. So, whether you've just lost the light of your life (like no Mother should ever have to endure) and you've found yourself "mother-less" for the first time in years or you're struggling just to become a mother in the first place...Don't give up. It's the most rewarding, the hardest job on Earth, but it's worth it. 

I love this woman...

I love this woman. So much. Not just because she's my mom and she gave me life. I love who she is, who she made me become. I love that she's my friend, my biggest cheerleader, my hero. I love her goofiness. I love her smile. I love the fact that she laughs the hardest at herself, that she gives all of herself to every person she comes across. She always sees the good, never the bad. She grounds me. She makes sure my head is on straight. She tells me the truth. Sometimes she tells me what I need to hear. Sometimes she tells what I want to hear. Very carefully, at times, she'll give me her opinion. She's hardworking, a survivor. I love how she jumped up and down with me on the night I told her Brad asked me to marry him. Then she quickly grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "But if you don't finish college, I'll kick your ass!" I love how we all cringe when she mentions a "new recipe". I love how she suffered so much so I didn't have to. She taught me to respect life, no matter how big nor small. She taught me to expect more of myself. To push harder. I love how she made me do my own laundry. I love how she let go at the right times and held steadfastly at others. I love what she taught me about being a woman, a friend. I love her hugs. I love her friendship. I love how eagerly she gives me her time. I love being compared to her...I only hope I can be as good, as pretty, when I'm her age. I hope my own daughter loves me like I love her.

Happy Mother's Day. I love you. I love how you taught me to rise up, to expect more, to never settle.

I wish I knew...

Everyone knows how much kids change your life. Upon reading another Mommy Blogger post entitled "10 things I wish I knew before having kids"...I realized her list and my list were quite different and it inspired me to write my own...

1). You'll never, ever again sleep like you did BEFORE kids! Even when they get older (and I mean old enough where they have been sleeping through the night for years. in their own bed, even). You will still sleep with one eye or one ear open. Now I know how my mom could hear me throwing up in the middle of the night a full hallway away with two solid oak, six panel doors closed between us. And I must mention, I think I was at least 18 years old. I looked up between my vomit induced gagging and asked, "How do you DO that?"' Now I know!

2). That cute bundle of joy is a blank slate and he/she will grow up to be JUST LIKE YOU...So make sure you like who you are! There is no clearer reflection of the truth than your child.

3). Enjoy all your warm meals. You'll never have one again.

4). Hot, long showers are a thing of the past. Now you'll consider 5 minutes LOOOONNNGGGG. You have no idea what a toddler can do to a bathroom in 5 minutes or under.

5). Money? What money?

6). Caribbean beach vacations with umbrella drinks will be replaced by long road trip to Yellowstone. And it make take some convincing, but deep down you'll prefer the latter to the former. The memories really are made in miles.

7). That big hairy dog that you swore would never, ever be a part of your house? Well, your kid cried and begged and then refused to leave your brother's house without one of his own. You will relent and then realize it was the best decision you ever made. No family is complete without one.

8).  You really will enjoy watching your son play baseball in the freezing cold. And more than likely, in April, it will also be raining. But lucky for you, no lightening. So, you get to sit your ass on a cold bleacher and it will be wet.

9). You have no idea how fast time can fly until you've quit your job and dedicated your life to 3 little ones. The days that wouldn't end at the office find a way of flying by at home. And it's true...It goes even faster when the kids start school.

10). Fatherhood is super sexy on husbands!

Enjoy the Journey

I firmly believe in the old saying "Everything happens for  reason"...It's become my mantra for life. I can find reason and/or faith in just about anything if this phrase is applied first....

So, this being said, I've looked at my youngest bundle of...err...joy, I guess...for the past year and wondered...What is the reason for you? Since the moment of his abrupt arrival, he has continually sucked the life out of me, whether it comes in the form of sleeplessness, sanity, or a breast pump, and with more vigor than any child I have ever known. 

He is the reason we are unable to compute math at a 5th grade level, get anywhere on time, or arrive anywhere showered, dressed or put together in any way, shape, or form. He's the reason I went to Target with baby poo on my shirt. He's also the reason why I had to pull a deeply embedded dried noodle out of the dog's hair. He's the reason why we have no toilet paper within reach in any of our bathrooms. There are times where I feel as if I should receive some kind of Olympic medal for being able to remain seated on the toilet AND reach the paper. He's the reason why our house, always so clean and organized, has taken a back seat to his near Tazmanian level rampages through the toys, books, and cupboards. 

Today, as I was sitting near him, watching him play with his older sister, I looked at him and wondered, once again, "Why?" And it hit me so hard, the answer I've been searching for...It was almost as if the Universe answered my question. I heard, "To teach you patience. To teach you how little any of the above really matters in life. To teach you to slow down, unwind, enjoy the journey. I'm your last chance to see how important I am and how fast I will grow and how limited the time. Nothing else matters." 

It Happened....AGAIN!

I really wish I had some photos to accompany this blog posting, but I was so shocked by my discovery that I didn't have "Blog Brain" turned on...

So, our house is never short on fish...Not the kind you eat, but the kind you keep as pets...If you wonder why, refer to earlier posts. London brought "Blueberry" home (Confused? Again, refer to earlier posts!) and my parents couldn't bring just one fish...They brought two and offered one to Logan.

On this particular Saturday morning, I decided to designate it as "Clean Fish Bowl" day. I prompted both kids to bring their bowls downstairs and we'd get started. Logan, surprisingly, was the first one with his in tow. London was lagging behind. When I asked her once again, she said, "Mom, my first bowl is empty."


Thinking she was joking or confused, I said, "Empty? Honey, it can't be empty. There's a fish in there...with water." 


"Huh-uh...It's empty. There's nothing in it." 


"Go get me the bowl. Show me." 

Sure enough. She was right. The bowl is completely empty...of water, of fish....Panic mode has set in.  My brain is racing...Dirty, poopy fish water...Dead fish....This is NOT going to be good.

I turned her room upside down looking for a wet spot--a dead, dry fish. Nothing. Her room didn't even smell bad. What in the world?

I asked her to show me the last place she had place her fish bowl. She pointed to a corner in her room. I scanned the corner. There's no sign of a fish...The only thing there is...a...vent...in the floor...Oh My!

I ripped off the cover to vent and staring back at me was a dead, dry Betta crusted to the metal casing. While we feel bad for the fish, we are so thankful our Minnesota Winter has been so mild because had the heat been turned on, it wouldn't have taken me quite so long to make the gruesome discovery.